I have become dissatisfied with myself, my lack of working out, and my eating habits. I’ve decided I need to sit down and write out very clear goals with ways to achieve these goals. I need to set a schedule and stick to it. I could really use some hints and tips on how to do this. Post them in the comment section. It’d be much appreciated. I’m just tired of being lazy and not getting enough accomplished.
I’ve lost my motivation and it’s probably totally due to the fact that I feel like everything is at a standstill in terms of enlisting. I went on usajobs.gov today to check out the jobs that are in my area for shits and grins and half of them are for commissary associate or GS-7+ (mostly GS-11) jobs that I am in no way, shape, or form qualified for. Left me feeling rather depressed about my possible civilian career and furthered my resolve to join the Army to gain some sort of experience/qualification.
Support. I could really use a lot of that. My husband has been more or less supportive but he keeps coming back to the idea of me getting a “real” job instead of enlisting. He’d rather keep me close than to have to go through a long distance relationship again. Other than him and a few random strangers and people on the interwebs, not many people know of my plans. If I had it my way, I would rather not tell my family because my dad and older sister would completely freak out. Again. I’m definitely struggling with wanting to do what makes me happy vs doing what I know would make everyone else happy. And I know, believe me I know, that I have to live my life how I want to and not how others would prefer I do. If I dictated my life solely based on my family’s wishes, I’d still be living in Indiana.
Even though my mom is from California and my dad Ohio, I’m the first of their children to move away. My older sister lives five minutes from my dad’s house. That would drive me crazy.
It frustrates me that my sister is pregnant with her second child (seems like everyone and their mom is currently pregnant, but I digress) and she expects me to come home for the birth. I get it, she’s excited and all but I don’t know how to make her see that it is HER child, not mine. One of the reasons she wants me there is because for her first, nearly 4 years ago, I drove from college to be there (only about a 45 minute drive) and I took pictures and video and then created a dvd for her. Of course others had taken pictures (I would say predominantly myself and my mom) but I was the only one to take video of my niece being held and whatnot.
Part of me wants to appease her and be there but if I ever get into the Army and I’m gone for training late October/early November, there’s not much I can do about being there. She’s the type of person that gets pissed off easily and holds grudges like no other. When I had told my dad I was enlisting in the Marines in 2008, he cried. It made me feel like a selfish, horrible person. I know that I wasn’t selfish because if I was selfish, I would have left and become a Marine instead of being where I am today.
I still can’t believe that around that time, my dad had admitted if he had had a son, he would have been fine with him going into the military. But three girls? No way would any of them do that! I just need to be true to myself, do what makes me happy, and find a way to be the bearer of bad news in the best possible way. Anyone have suggestions on how to do that? It’s likely going to have to be done via snail mail or email. If I tried to do it over the phone, I can almost guarantee my dad would hang up on me. Wouldn’t be the first time. The only way I figure to do it is to do it like ripping a band-aid off: fast, to the point and to not beat around the bush.
I am nearing on my 26th birthday (46 days) and yet I still feel like a child that needs her dad and older sister’s approval. I guess it’s not approval I’m looking for so much as support. I would like support for doing something that I can be proud of. I made them happy by graduating college but I didn’t feel much accomplishment for doing that. I barely wanted to be there to begin with. And there I sound ungrateful. I have to appreciate and be grateful for my parents putting me through college. I just feel like I was pushed into it before I even knew what I wanted to major in. But I don’t look at my degree and have an overwhelming sense of pride and happiness.
Alright, well I need to end this post because I have rambled far too long, venting about my personal problems; things I can, and should, change. This post had little direction and probably comes off incredibly petty. But it’s what’s on my mind right now. I guess it’s best to wait before telling too many people my plans before I know if I can even enlist. That way I don’t worry (piss off) people needlessly.