Venting, Ranting & Needing Support

I have become dissatisfied with myself, my lack of working out, and my eating habits.  I’ve decided I need to sit down and write out very clear goals with ways to achieve these goals.  I need to set a schedule and stick to it.  I could really use some hints and tips on how to do this.  Post them in the comment section.  It’d be much appreciated.  I’m just tired of being lazy and not getting enough accomplished.

I’ve lost my motivation and it’s probably totally due to the fact that I feel like everything is at a standstill in terms of enlisting.  I went on usajobs.gov today to check out the jobs that are in my area for shits and grins and half of them are for commissary associate or GS-7+ (mostly GS-11) jobs that I am in no way, shape, or form qualified for.  Left me feeling rather depressed about my possible civilian career and furthered my resolve to join the Army to gain some sort of experience/qualification.

Support.  I could really use a lot of that.  My husband has been more or less supportive but he keeps coming back to the idea of me getting a “real” job instead of enlisting.  He’d rather keep me close than to have to go through a long distance relationship again.  Other than him and a few random strangers and people on the interwebs, not many people know of my plans.  If I had it my way, I would rather not tell my family because my dad and older sister would completely freak out.  Again.  I’m definitely struggling with wanting to do what makes me happy vs doing what I know would make everyone else happy.  And I know, believe me I know, that I have to live my life how I want to and not how others would prefer I do.  If I dictated my life solely based on my family’s wishes, I’d still be living in Indiana.

Even though my mom is from California and my dad Ohio, I’m the first of their children to move away.  My older sister lives five minutes from my dad’s house.  That would drive me crazy.

It frustrates me that my sister is pregnant with her second child (seems like everyone and their mom is currently pregnant, but I digress) and she expects me to come home for the birth.  I get it, she’s excited and all but I don’t know how to make her see that it is HER child, not mine.  One of the reasons she wants me there is because for her first, nearly 4 years ago, I drove from college to be there (only about a 45 minute drive) and I took pictures and video and then created a dvd for her.  Of course others had taken pictures (I would say predominantly myself and my mom) but I was the only one to take video of my niece being held and whatnot.

Part of me wants to appease her and be there but if I ever get into the Army and I’m gone for training late October/early November, there’s not much I can do about being there.  She’s the type of person that gets pissed off easily and holds grudges like no other.  When I had told my dad I was enlisting in the Marines in 2008, he cried.  It made me feel like a selfish, horrible person.  I know that I wasn’t selfish because if I was selfish, I would have left and become a Marine instead of being where I am today.

I still can’t believe that around that time, my dad had admitted if he had had a son, he would have been fine with him going into the military.  But three girls?  No way would any of them do that!  I just need to be true to myself, do what makes me happy, and find a way to be the bearer of bad news in the best possible way.  Anyone have suggestions on how to do that?  It’s likely going to have to be done via snail mail or email.  If I tried to do it over the phone, I can almost guarantee my dad would hang up on me.  Wouldn’t be the first time.  The only way I figure to do it is to do it like ripping a band-aid off: fast, to the point and to not beat around the bush.

I am nearing on my 26th birthday (46 days) and yet I still feel like a child that needs her dad and older sister’s approval.  I guess it’s not approval I’m looking for so much as support.  I would like support for doing something that I can be proud of.  I made them happy by graduating college but I didn’t feel much accomplishment for doing that.  I barely wanted to be there to begin with.  And there I sound ungrateful.  I have to appreciate and be grateful for my parents putting me through college.  I just feel like I was pushed into it before I even knew what I wanted to major in.  But I don’t look at my degree and have an overwhelming sense of pride and happiness.

Alright, well I need to end this post because I have rambled far too long, venting about my personal problems; things I can, and should, change.  This post had little direction and probably comes off incredibly petty.  But it’s what’s on my mind right now.  I guess it’s best to wait before telling too many people my plans before I know if I can even enlist.  That way I don’t worry (piss off) people needlessly.

Workout Log (15)

Tuesday – Lower Body

Recumbent Bike: 5 minutes, resistance 8

Barbell Squat: 45#x8 Warm-Up, 75#x8, 8, 8

Stiff Legged DL: 65#x8, 8, 8

Leg Extensions: [Start 4#] +50#x8, 8, 8

Lying Leg Curls: 30#x8, 8, 8

Standing Seated Calf Raises: [Start 60#] +25#x12, 12, 12

Lying Leg Raises: 15, 13, 13

Exercise Ball Crunches: 15, 15, 15

Recumbent Bike: 5 min, 5 resistance; 5 min, 8 resistance; Cool-Down: 5 min, 1 resistance

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Walked Luna.  Would have gone longer but it was hot and she has an ear ache so I didn’t want to strain her too much.

 

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New Month, New Instagram Account

mapmyrun5Today I didn’t do much of anything.  It’s the last day of rotation so I’ll have my husband back soon (probably not until after midnight, though).  I was able to keep the back door open since the weather was so nice.  Took Luna for a 2 mile walk after 1700 and it was still quite warm.  It was a nice leisurely walk, so doesn’t really count as a workout.  Burned about 143 calories.

I should have done sit ups and maybe push ups.  But I’m fairly tired now.  I should probably come up with an actual plan so I know what I’ll be doing from day to day.  Early last year, I was doing the workouts in Jamie Eason’s LiveFit plan.  I wasn’t following the food plan, just the exercises.  It was fun at first.  Maybe I’ll start going back to the gym and give this a try.  I think I had issues because I was working out with girls that were well below my strength/endurance level and they didn’t have the same goals as I did.

instagram_indianajane87Decided to start an Instagram account to document my journey further.  Feel free to follow me there.  Each quote picture has the corresponding blog post linked to it.  Hopefully I’ll have pictures that are more interesting than just quotes.  Like a picture of me swearing in!  A girl can dream.

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An “Off” Day

Today was supposed to be a lift heavy day.  I started to warm up with push ups but my heart wasn’t in it.  It’s not like I’d have to get dressed, get in the car and drive to the gym.  We have all the required weights in the garage.  Which is probably 20-25 feet from the back of the house.  I definitely wouldn’t call this a rest day since it wasn’t planned… more like an “off” day.  I just felt off.  It’s okay because I can hit it tomorrow.

It’s frustrating when your body has a mind of its own and there’s nothing you can really do about it.  I’m hoping that a good nights sleep will put me in better spirits tomorrow.  I’ll be happier when C gets back from the field.  My daily routine gets thrown off when he’s gone, including when I go to sleep.  Normally we go to bed around 2100 but while he’s gone, it’s usually not until midnight.  I just see no reason to climb into bed.  I don’t know why I think that way when it’s even more pointless to stay awake so late when you’re alone.  In any case, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, I guess.

Tomorrow I’ll plan to knock out the lifting and use the rest of the day for studying and cleaning the house.  I’ve slowly been working on “thinning the herd” with all the stuff we have accumulated over the year and a half that I’ve been here.  Especially with my stuff.  I’ve been boxing things up and labeling them so as to make the future move (whenever that may be) easier on C since he very well could be doing it alone.   I’m sure if I’m gone at BCT or AIT, his mom would likely come to help him.  But just knowing my stuff is already securely packed away can put my mind at ease and make things easier on whoever has to deal with it.

Even though this is not the most ideal post to be stationed at, there are things I’m going to miss about it.  Many people complain (especially the wives) about this place.  And sometimes I get in a funk and dislike being here, too.  But this will forever and always be the first house my husband and I lived in together.  The weather is hard to complain about most of the year (except when it’s extremely windy or insanely hot).  But I’ve learned to cope with these things.  If I don’t have to, I don’t go out during those times of the day.  I certainly do not miss the winter cold and snow (and slush and rain and ice) of Indiana.  I’ve never been fond of the cold and have acclimated to the temperatures here very quickly.  I visited IN this past December and while everyone else was wearing long sleeves and maybe a vest, I was bundled up in multiple layers, coat, scarf, and gloves.  And that was a relatively warm day for that time of year.  I used to be able to deal with it, but not anymore, apparently.  But you know what, each place is what you make of it, as cliche as that really is.  It’s best to ignore all the bad things you hear about a place (and you will, no matter how great it seems, someone has something to complain about) and explore the place yourself.  Form your own opinions before completely writing it off.  You may find you like it more than you thought you would.

This post kind of surprised me.  I honestly didn’t think I’d have anything to write about since I didn’t actually do much of anything today.  But that’s okay.  You learned a little bit more about me.  Also, I find it amusing that one of the recommended tags is “sleep disorders.”  Pretty sure that’s not what it is, but thanks WordPress… Nice try. couragetogrowup

Workout Log (2)

Rittr Labs apps again.

Push up sets: 11, 11, 13, 11, 11, 9 = 66

Sit up sets: 28, 26, 29, 28, 28, 26 = 165

I definitely struggled on the push ups by the 3rd set.  But I pushed on and completed all of them without compromising my form.  So I’m happy with that.  My chest and arms are still sore from Friday’s push up workout.  I do take a little extra time to rest between sets than what the app puts in place.  I need that extra little rest time.  I rated that workout with “It was too hard.”  So the next time I use the app, the workout will be the same.  Even though I finished, it was still a struggle.

For some reason, sit ups are mentally harder for me.  I just don’t want to do them.  My dog licked my arm while I lay on the ground dreading the last set.  I felt defeated.  But I told myself that I would just push through and then I’d be done.  I’d feel better about myself for finishing than if I just said screw it.  And I do.  Except now I’m not looking forward to running.  It’s just one of those days.

As for my run… I think I will postpone it for now.  Until later today.  I’m just too tired.  It’s my fault.  Didn’t consume enough calories this morning, probably.

Update: Just finished my run.  I was aiming for a mile but I couldn’t see the screen on my phone to see if I had made it.  Just short of a mile at .97mi.  Took the dog with me and stopped once for her to eliminate and got slowed down at the halfway point turn around due to a dog being on the other side of the street that she wanted to say hello to.  My time was 8:54.  And apparently burned 117 calories.

mapmyrunAlso, I don’t understand how MapMyRun tracks the distance.  The top of the image, it shows .97 miles but in the distance box, it shows 1 mile.  I’m still basing it off of the former.  The last time I ran a mile, I did it in 9:36.  So despite the dog slowing me down a bit (though I honestly think she made me keep a more constant pace) and struggling with my breathing/keeping that consistent, I didn’t do too bad.

Update 2: Did 3 sets of 5 rep jumping chin ups on gymnastic rings.  The first set was my personal best since I started doing them a couple weeks ago.  But on the second and third set, I wasn’t pulling myself up as high as I did in the first set.  But I’m very happy with the first set since it’s proof to myself that there is improvement.

neverstop